But It's Better If You Do
by iloveyou123
Summary: The Victorious gang texts. A lot. Things get weird. / Four: the one where Tori and Jade were in jail, but neither of them ever really end up explaining why.
1. the first one

But It's Better If You Do

The Victorious gang texts. A lot. Things get weird.

this is the most random thing ever, fair warning, kiddos.

also, this is the "pilot episode" of this fic, so the text at the beginning is just referring to the whole story. i thought it was cute, too :)

* * *

_(905): me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies._

;;

(andre 8:23) IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU DUDE

(andre 8:25): SERIOUSLY I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY

(andre 8:26): LIKE IM GOING TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOME AND DO A NINJA SNEAK ATTACK

(andre 8:27): ILL BUY FUCKING NUNCHUCKS

(beck 8:31): so ur mad?

(andre 8:34): yes

(andre 8:35) why were you fucking jade in my car!

(beck 8:38): um she's my gf dude i think the better question is why am i not fucking her right now

(andre 8:40): i hate you

(andre 8:41): why IN MY CAR

(beck 8:46): oh jade thought it would be funny

(beck 8:47): plus the whole getting caught thing really turns her on

(beck 8:49): also she was offering sex so i wasn't going to say no

(andre 8:55): we're not friends anymore.

(beck 9:12): wait what?

(beck 9:14) andre come on. it's a car

(beck 9:17): i'll clean it for you

(beck 9:20) okay well i'll make robbie clean it for you

(beck 9:22): dude

(beck 9:24): it was sex. with jade

(beck 9:25): it's not like i can just refuse that shit

(beck 9:26): i'll make it up to you just tell me how alright?

(andre 9:28): there is one thing.

(beck 9:34): name it bro

(andre 9:37): take ballet class.

(beck 9:45): whoa what?

(beck 9:56): you're kidding right

(beck 10:02): andre

_1 missed call: Beck_

(beck 10:14): andre!

(beck 10:16): you know i can't do ballet

(beck 10:19): jade will dump me

(beck 10:20): no she'll take like a thousand pictures put them up on the slap and then break up with me

(beck 10:23): in front of a crowd

(beck 10:24): just to make it more embarrassing. and she'll have someone video tape it

(beck 10:25): so i never forget

(andre 10:47): sorry had class.

(andre 10:48): it's ballet or no deal

(beck 10:51): can't we make it something else, like singing a love song to you or something in front of the school

(andre 10:55): whoa wait, you want to sing me a love song?

(andre 10:56): is this you like coming out to me?

(andre 10:57): no offense man i don't really dig you that way

(andre 10:59): i mean your my best friend and you're good looking i guess but.. no

(andre 11:00): you could try robbie he's never had a gf so he might go for it

_3 missed calls: Beck_

(beck 11:13): coming out to you?

(beck 11:14): you just caught me and my girlfriend fucking in your car, if that's not sending a clear message about my orientation idk what will

(andre 11:22): oh good. i mean it's cool if you are. but jade would probably shoot you

(andre 11:24): also thanks for reminding me about the car thing. ballet. do it.

(andre 11:29): or i show jade the texts of you wanting to sing a love song to me.

(beck 11:46): i fucking hate you man

(andre 12:05): sign up sheets are on the table by sikowitz's coconut poster

;;

(trina 5:33): omg tori, u won't believe who's at ballet class right now!

(tori 5:35): please don't say it's robbie and andre again.

(trina 5:39): no. ew. it's that beck kid, the one who looks like aladdin

(trina 5:40): but weirder

(trina 5:41): also he's wearing tights.

(trina 5:43): gotta say it, jade is one lucky girl…

(tori 5:48): so many things i did not need to know. are u sure trina? i don't think beck's the type to start dancing in a tutu randomly

(trina 5:56): it's def him. ik cuz the teacher read his name off the sheet and started laughing so hard she had to leave the room

(trina 5:58): i'm taking pics

;;

(tori 6:12): hey, do you know anything about beck suddenly having the desire to join a ballet class?

(andre 6:14): no.

(andre 6:15): gotta go tori see you later

(tori 6:18): andre?

(tori 6:19): helloo?

(tori 6:20): fine, but next time we have banana ice cream at lunch, don't think you're getting any!

;;

(andre 6:35): yeah so much for ballet being a secret dude

(andre 6:37): sorry

(andre 6:38): also tomorrow they're having banana ice cream so you have to buy me some

(beck 7:04): what?

(beck 7:05): WHAT

(beck 7:08): WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

_4 missed calls from: Beck_

_5 missed calls from: Beck_

;;

(cat 9:15) hi robbie!

(robbie 9:17): hey cat!

(cat 9:18): did u see the pictures of beck on the slap?

(robbie 9:23): what pictures?

(cat 9:25): i guess beck takes ballet now!

(robbie 9:32): what?

(robbie 9:33): does jade know?

(cat 9:48): idk. do you think she'll be mad?

(robbie 9:50): have you met jade?

(cat 9:56): of course i've met jade!

(robbie 9:59): no cat i was being sarcastic

(cat 10:03): what is that supposed to mean!

;;

(beck 11:33): jade?

(beck 11:34): i love you

(beck 11:35): andre made me

(beck 11:37): because we had sex in his car

(beck 11:39): seriously: i. love. you.

(beck 11:44): don't break up with me

(beck 11:46): at least the tights show off my muscular calves?

(beck: 11:47): why am i the bad person here? you once tried to make bystanders eat tape because you said it was magical

(beck 11:48): not a good time to bring that up. okay

(beck 11:50): seriously if we analyze this situation you brought this on me

(beck 11:52): by making me have sex with you in andre's vehicle

(beck 11:53): also you were wrong, that knitting bag was his grandma's

(beck 11:54): i think

(beck 11:56): see you tomorrow? i love you

(beck 11:59): btw if you want to blame someone in this i suggest yourself

(beck 12:04): i mean andre!

;;

(tori 9:31): wow. jade really could not stop laughing at you this morning

(beck 9:36): i'm not going to get laid for so long

(tori 9:39): yeah, no i don't think you are

(tori 9:44): i'd say i feel bad, but jade said if i laugh w/ her she'll buy me starbucks

(tori 9:45): and i really love starbucks

;;

(robbie 10:32): that is the most disturbing thing i have seen for a long time.

(cat 10:41): i think he looks cute. like a fluffy pink bunny

(robbie 10:43): …okay. whatever you say cat

(cat 10:45): what is THAT supposed to mean?

(robbie 10:49): ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO MEAN ANYTHING!

;;

(andre 11:45): she'll only make fun of you for a little while

(andre 11:46): probably

(andre 11:48): just like a month or something

(beck 11:53): when jade stops laughing when she sees me we're having sex in your car again

(andre 11:57): yeah that won't be for a long time i'm not worried

(andre 11:59): at least you have the comfort of the dance

(beck 12:04): i seriously fucking hate you bro.

(beck 12:05): like voldemort levels of hate.

(beck 12:06) burning out of my eyes.

(andre 12:14): you have learned your lesson young grasshopper.

(andre 12:15): DONT FUCK IN ANDRE'S CAR OR YOU WILL WEAR A TUTU

;;

(trina 3:54): hey jade, just wanted to say congrats

(jade 3: 56): on what?

(trina 3:59): um, i saw beck in see through tights.

(trina 4:01): seriously. congratulations

(jade 4:03): don't ever talk to me again.

;;

(jade 4:10): okay loser i forgive you for this incredibly embarrassing incident so get the fuck over here

(beck 4:13): so we can sex it up in andre's car?

(jade 4:14): where else?

(jade 4:15): btw, that knitting is totally his, it has his name on it

(beck: 4:19): i knew it! are you already in there?

(jade 4:24): naked.

(beck: 4:26): i love you

(jade 4:28): of course you do

(jade 4:30): and i love you too

(jade 4:34): you idiot

;;

(andre 6:39): you have got to be fucking kidding me.

(beck 6:43): you enjoy that

(beck 6:44): young grasshopper

;;

fin


	2. the one where tandre can't have sex

Set in senior year. Tandre established relationship.

A/N: okay, i'm adding a text from the site "texts from last night" to the beginning of each chapter. and i'm just cleaning them up and editing them a bit! :)

* * *

**(708):** So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

;;

(tori 3:14): i'm naked

(andre 3:15): where?

(tori 3:17): in your room

(tori 3:18): come here!

(andre 3:19): i'm trying but beck has the keys to my car

(tori 3:21): steal them back!

(andre 3:24): oh should i tor? no i thought i'd just let beck and jade FORNICATE in there for a little longer

(tori 3:29): …that tone was not necessary

(andre 3:31): sorry.

(andre 3:32): btw while you're there i think my chemistry hw is unfinished

(andre 3:34): just saying

(tori 3:38): find your freaking keys!

(tori 3:39): also if you ever ask me to do your hw again i will kick your ass

(tori 3:41): alright i'll have jade to do it

(tori 3:42): but still. it's the thought that counts.

;;

(andre 3:51): dude i need my keys

(beck 3:53): why?

(andre 3:54): well you know how you like having sex w/ jade? i like doing the same thing, but with tori and she is currently in my bed naked and i do not have any forms of transportation

(andre 3:55): so. keys?

(beck 3:57): yeahh about that

(beck 3:58): what would you say if i told you i didn't.. have them?

(andre 4:01): i would say there is a strong possibility i'm gonna beat you up, fool

(beck 4:02): it wasn't my fault!

(beck 4:04): jade and me started fighting, things got heated

(beck 4:05): and she may have melted the keys

(beck 4:07): in her defense, she did think they were mine

(andre 4:11): one, your gf is a fucking psychopath

(andre 4:12): so thumbs up on that, bet she's fun in bed

(beck 4:13): weird thing to say but thanks i guess

(beck 4:15): why aren't you freaking out right now?

(andre 4:16): because you're picking me up and jade is buying me a new set of keys

(beck 4:19): dude i can't pick you up, i'm in "tutoring" w/ sikowitz

(beck 4:21): he keeps telling me that i need to understand the importance of pineapples in the modern acting world

(andre 4:24): what is with him and fruit?

(beck 4:27): beats me but it's getting weirder and weirder by the second

(andre 4:29): fine, you can't pick me up… what about jade?

(beck 4:31): i hope you know i'm laughing right now

(andre 4:33): me too. if only we lived in a world where jade would be a good person and gave out rides like rex gives out creepy comments

(beck 4:35): that puppet haunts my dreams.

;;

(andre 4:37): hey are you busy right now?

(cat 4:38): hi! this is cat

(andre 4:40): .. ik cat, that's why im texting you

(cat 4:41): oh that makes sense! what's up?

(andre 4:43): can you give me a ride?

(cat 4:44): what about your car?

(andre 4:46): apparently jade melted my keys. idk. so can you?

(cat 4:49): was it in one of her and beck's special-time games? she said something about fire once

(andre 4:51): fire? why?

(cat 4:53): hmm i think it was actually melting candle wax

(andre 4:54): you're right, that makes it much more normal. but anyway seriously cat can you pick me up? its urgent

(cat 4:56): oh no! is there an emergency?

(andre 4:57): um yeah you could say that

(cat 4:59): i'm joking, andre! tori already told me why you're in such a hurry :)

(andre 5:02): oh that's great.

(cat 5:03): but im very sorry, i'm stuck. try robbie. or rex!

(andre 5:05): rex is a puppet

(cat 5:08): so he can't drive? wow andre way to be racist :(

(andre 5:09): don't ever change, cat.

(cat 5:10): i try not to!

;;

(andre 5:11): thanks for telling cat the details of our sex life, tor

(tori 5:13): you're welcome jerk

(tori 5:15): maybe you get here faster and i make it up to you

(andre 5:18): believe me, i'm trying!

;;

(andre 5:23): robbie! bro!

(robbie 5:24): alright. what do you want?

(andre 5:26): don't be like that, man

(andre 5:27): but yeah you're right, i need you to pick me up

(robbie 5:29): no can do, mountain dew

(andre 5:32): what? why?

(robbie 5:35): i'm in… not aerobic ribbon dancing class

(andre 5:37): we will talk about THAT later

(andre 5:39): and also you are all going to force me to hitchhike aren't you?

(robbie 5:41): don't get killed

(andre 5:43): i'll try my best

;;

(tori 5:50): where are you?

(andre 5:52): i am _walking _thanks to our sucky friends

(tori 5:53): i have been waiting on your bed naked for two hours

(tori 5:54): you better be nice and READY by the time you get here if you know what i mean

(andre 5:57): babe i've been thinking of you naked for two hours, i think i'll be good

(tori 5:58): thank god

(andre 5:59): you know you're the only girl i've dated that has ever really wanted sex. its hot and weird at the same time

(tori 6:02): aww you know you love me

(andre 6:03): i do

(tori 6:05): wait what?

(andre 6:08): what?

(tori 6:09): what?

(andre 6:11): WHAT?

(tori 6:13): do you? love me?

(andre 6:14): i

(andre 6:17): well

(andre 6:18): idk

(andre 6:19): will it freak you out if i say yes?

(tori 6:22): will it freak YOU out if i say it won't?

(andre 6:23): no

(andre 6:24): so, i love you.

(tori 6:26): i love you too, andre harris :)

(tori 6:28): omg we're so having sex when you get here

(andre 6:30): seriously fucking love you

(tori 6:32): psh baby i know

;;

(andre 6:34): i'm here!

(tori 6:35): and so are your parents

(andre 6:37): please please please tell me your kidding

(tori 6:39): nope

(tori 6:43): _that_ was a fun conversation

(andre 6:46): let's go to yours?

(tori 6:47): if it gets me out of this awkward situation it's fine w/ me

(tori 6:49): if trina walks in though you get to deal with her gawking at you

(tori 6:52): and probably making some joke about your… size

(andre 6:55): i don't even care we are having sex if it kills me

(tori 6:56): i love you

(andre 6:58): i love you too

(andre 6:59): i love you i love you i love you

;;

(andre 8:27): okay "i love you" sex is the best sex

(andre 8:28): EVER

(beck 8:30): i told you man

(beck 8:32): don't underestimate the beck-sicle

(beck 8:35): ..pretend i didn't say that

(beck 8:36): seriously

(beck 8:38): that was embarrassing

(beck 8:40): oh no

(beck 8:41): you've already sent it to jade, haven't you?

;;

(jade 8:54): nice.

(beck 8:56): andre is a douche.

(jade 8:57): that's good coming from the beck-sicle

(beck 8:59): whatever, "jadelyn"

(jade 9:00): aladdin

(beck 9:02): if i'm aladdin you're my jasmine

(jade 9:05): oh we are so roleplaying that shit

(beck 9:06): i was trying to be romantic!

(jade 9:09): trying and failing.

(beck 9:11): you're lucky i love you

(jade 9:13): you're lucky i let you

(beck 9:15): true.

;;


	3. the one with the hypothetical threesome

a/n: um, i hate ffnet for not letting us do that sideways v symbol, because I COULD NOT DO BECK'S ANGRY TEXT FACE. so now it's a crying face instead. THAT'S manly. argh. also, the format's kind of different because i'm too lazy to write in all the times they were texting and whatnot. so. just deal with it? btw, dedicated to brea (oh my gosh, i just dedicate everything to you) because this stemmed from our conversation. seriously. we discuss THAT WEIRD topics. also, a little trina/robbie in here for ava! though really it's trina/cat/robbie and... idek. read, review? :D

* * *

_**(405):** She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together._

;;

jade: hey, want to have a threesome?

beck: …is this a trick question?

jade: yes

beck: really?

jade: no

beck: i hate when you do that! it's just confusing!

jade: your face is confusing

beck: oh that's mature jadelyn

jade: i thought so.

beck: mhm.. so a 3some? with who?

jade: andre

beck: what? no!

jade: why not

beck: uh because one, AWKWARD, and two, he's A GUY

jade: whoa beck. homophobic much? jesus christ if i had known you were like that when i started dating you..

beck: ha. ha. i'm not having sex with andre

jade: YOU wouldn't have to… you'd just watch me and him do it and maybe make out with him a little

beck: WHY?

jade: to amuse me

beck: don't think stealing andre's bit will get you out of trouble!

jade: i'll be naked

beck: …still a good try but no

jade: i bet you'd do it if i had suggested vega

beck: really? really?

jade: worth a shot

;;

jade: how about now?

beck: what?

jade: threesome!

beck: NO

;;

jade: ?

beck: !

jade: :(

beck: :'(

;;

cat: hi andre!

andre: sup little red?

cat: jade wants me to ask you if fjsdkalf;

cat: sorry, she almost ran over an old person

andre: uh

andre: sure

cat: kk! jade wants me to ask u if u'll have a threesome

andre: in general?

cat: what's that supposed to mean?

andre: …

andre: it's supposed to mean does she want me to have one with HER or just like, in my life sometime?

cat: oh! um, she says with her and beck

andre: okay tell jade she's hot

andre: but i am not having sex with BECK

cat: why not?

andre: cause he's a dude

andre: and i don't swing that way

cat: just because he's a dude? i'd have sex with jade and she's a girl too!

andre: oh cat. so innocent. except not really since you want to fuck jade but still

cat: she's pretty, what's wrong with that? beck is pretty too!

andre: i.. okay, sure he is

cat: he's LIKE a girl. so you could just pretend!

andre: yeah, i'm gonna go now

andre: see ya little red

cat: bye!

cat: jade says to think about it!

cat: and picture her naked!

;;

jade: hey, would you have a threesome with me and andre?

tori: um

tori: what?

jade: just wondering. i mean, you're not that bad looking. my tits are bigger then yours but whatever

tori: is this some weird way of saying we're friends?

jade: eh

jade: take it as you like

tori: okay! then sure, i'd have a threesome!

jade: ha! see, it's not a weird thing

jade: could you try and convince aladdin for me?

tori: like, beck? or.. the real aladdin?

tori: jade?

tori: jade?

tori: i'm legitimately confused over here!

tori: ugh fine. i'll ask beck. BUT ONLY BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE THE REAL ALADDIN'S NUMBER

;;

tori: um... you should have a threesome

beck: is this jade?

tori: no!

beck: did jade put you up to this?

tori: no

beck: tori

beck: come on

tori: fine! but she said we were friends now!

beck: oh tori. you can't fall for that! we've all made jade sign a contract that explicitly states she is our friend and can't use that as an excuse, you need to learn from us

tori: what? really?

beck: well

beck: no

beck: but still it's a good idea actually because she uses that excuse a LOT

beck: also the one where she had a "troubled childhood"

tori: she's so tortured :(

beck: SHE DIDN'T ACTUALLY- okay. tori. just… don't listen to jade

tori: fine

tori: just think about a threesome okay?

beck: sure.

tori: really?

beck: WHAT DO YOU THINK

tori: …yes?

tori: beck?

tori: beckkkk?

tori: ..beck?

tori: you know, now i WISH i had texted the real aladdin!

beck: what?

tori: i don't know!

;;

beck: STOP CUTTING UP MY FISH'S FOOD JARS WITH YOUR SCISSORS OF EVIL

jade: HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME

beck: NO!

jade: THEN STOP COMPLAINING! oh my GOD!

;;

jade: you know what this has been reminding me of?

beck: …what?

jade: that time i told you i wanted to be a porn star when i grew up

beck: how is that in ANY way like this? besides that it features your sex obsession

jade: most guys would love a gf w/ a sex obsession.

beck: POINT, jadelyn. point.

jade: just saying. anyway, that was another time you shot down my HOPES AND DREAMS

beck: i did not! that's not a hope or dream!

beck: not a good or healthy one anyway!

jade: it was my hope and dream and you set it on fire with your words. just like you're doing w/ my awesome threesome idea

beck: jade. we went to counseling the next day and you BIT THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S ARM because he said porn was no way to express yourself.

jade: what does that have to do with anything?

beck: well, i- it just does that's all! it was a bad expression of your emotions.

jade: sometimes i say my feelings. sometimes i write them down. and sometimes i bite. DEAL WITH IT.

beck: oh i have.

jade: ha. good times, right?

beck: we are not speaking of the first day we met. not again.

beck: and we're still not having a threesome.

jade: you never support me in anything!

;;

tori: so… apparently, we're having a threesome with jade?

andre: ah, you heard.

tori: yeah.. is it weird that this kind of insaneness in our friends doesn't bother me?

andre: nope. you get used to it after a while.

tori: totally. hey, can i come over? trina's started performing CHICAGOO again.

andre: ha, no prob. get your little half latina ass over here.

tori: :)

;;

trina: robbiieeeee.

robbie: …yes?

trina: come over!

robbie: why?

trina: cause. you and cat are getting the once in the lifetime chance to see ME, TRINA VEGA, perform my hit comedy just for you!

robbie: i'm busy

trina: lol yeah sure.

robbie: fine. but i'm leaving rex at home!

trina: oh, THAT'S a bummer.

robbie: sometimes, your words are hurtful.

;;

robbie: you better not ditch me

cat: why would i do that? i love trina's comedy! she's so funny!

robbie: rex wants you to know you're crazy.

cat: tell your puppet to stop being so mean to me!

robbie: i've tried! he just doesn't listen!

cat: i'm sad.

robbie: you get to see trina perform soon?

cat: ooh! yay! i'm happy again!

robbie: …see you there, cat.

cat: don't be late! trina DEMANDS excellence! :) :)

;;

jade: you know you want it.

beck: stop!

jade: secretly you fantasize about andre. at night. when you're alone. with only your fish and posters of "uncle jesse" to see you...

beck: ARGHHH

;;

jade: i've got it. are you gay now?

beck: how rude.

jade: ew, i told andre not to buy you those full house dvds.

beck: hmm. maybe if he didn't listen to you about that you should really consider, i don't know, NOT HAVING A THREESOME WITH HIM.

jade: nah. i like a little disobedience sometimes.

beck: oh god.

jade: what?

;;

beck: what brought this whole threesome thing on, anyway?

jade: well, i was watching porn…

beck: never mind.

;;

jade: i'm not talking to you.

jade: after this text.

beck: the silent treatment? wow, how elementary of you, my dear jadelyn.

jade: clever.

beck: wait, why the silence, though?

jade: cause i want a threesome! and you're being unreasonable!

beck: hey, whoa there.

jade: whoa there? are you a horse?

beck: i supported your affair with scissors that i KNOW is going on! i let it go! i responded to the porn star thing with only minor alarm! and i've let you do lots of weird things to me.

jade: you liked it.

beck: not the point i'm trying to make

jade: well, what IS your point, beckett?

beck: my first name :(

jade: you knew i would use it.

beck: yeah. you tend to pull it out sometimes.

jade: that's what she said

beck: nice one.

beck: anyway.

beck: look, i'm just saying. i don't want a threesome, cause… i don't want anyone but you.

jade: oh

jade: okay then. cool

beck: what? cool? that's what you say? most girls would be crying right now!

beck: out of happiness i mean. not like… sadness

jade: i'm not most girls. and please, it wasn't that great

beck: jade!

jade: you can do better

beck: i just try and try and TRY and still you don't swoon! someday i will succeed, jadelyn. success is in my future!

jade: yeah okay. i'm going to be at the RV in like 2 minutes btw

beck: awesome. hey, can we play monopoly today?

jade: no

beck: i'll lay off the full house for a week

jade: no you won't. you can't resist the olsen twins, as i have heard you say over and over again

jade: which is vaguely pedophile-y, js

beck: IT IS NOT.

beck: wait, so that's a no on the monopoly?

jade: yes

beck: …scrabble?

beck: jade?

beck: jade?

beck: we could play clue!

beck: no?

beck: okay, but you'll regret this later.

beck: full house it is.

;;


	4. the one where tori and jade were in jail

a/n: i'm backkkkkk bitches. kidding. i didn't mean that. you're all very lovely people. WHAT'S UP? i am very sorry i was gone for so long! i was just uninspired as fuck. but, i am back. and hopefully, not in a disappointing way.

THIS FIC WON BEST CHAPTERED HUMOR FIC. oh my god, you guys are the best. i am NOT funny, but i am glad you guys think so. i love youuuuu. i wanna take you behind a middle school and get all of you pregnant!

SOME MORE RANDOMNESS: my personal canon that jade has the best punctuation in text, & tori over uses caps lock. btw, sorry this is only jade and tori! and is so short. :/ i just wanted to get back in the swing of it, ya know? hopefully i haven't lost the apparent funny-ness i possess.

ALSO (sorry, i'm getting boring/continuing to be boring), the contact names change depending on who they're texting, because the contact names are different in each person's phone. like for tori, jade is "the wicked witch of the West" (punny, huh?), and for jade, tori is Vega.

ALSO i am now going to start each fic with a text from texts from last night :) what can i say, that site is bitching.

* * *

_(705): __All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail._

;;

the wicked witch of the West: you really need to get over this whole "jail" thing.

the wicked witch of the West: it's seriously not that bad.

Vega: delete this number from your cellphone NOW jadelyn

the wicked witch of the West: uh-huh, no. but nice try.

Vega: we are NOT FRIENDS and therefore YOU DONT NEED THIS #

the wicked witch of the West: one, you wouldn't last three days without my (reluctant) friendship. and two, again, it was not my fault.

Vega: HOW IS THIS NOT YOUR FAULT

the wicked witch of the West: um. because it is not my fault.

Vega: oh, GOOD answer jadelyn. really enjoy your sass, especially when im pissed as hell at you

the wicked witch of the West: vega. shut the fuck up. you were the one who thought the cops were coming to hang out with us.

Vega: YOU CAN'T HOLD ME RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS WHEN I'M WASTED

Vega: may i remind you it was YOU who got me that way in the first place?

Vega: you were totally trying to have your way with me by getting me drunk.

the wicked witch of the West: you're right. i totally find your skinny chicken legs and small tits super attractive. whoops, sorry tori, it'll never happen again, i can face the fact my love will never go returned now.

Vega: as long as you can deal with the pain.

the wicked witch of the West: stupid bitch.

Vega: ugly skank.

the wicked witch of the West: dumb whore.

Vega: i- i don't have another one.

the wicked witch of the West: you know this means i win.

Vega: …i know!

the wicked witch of the West: i was just informing you!

Vega: well be nicer when you inform!

the wicked witch of the West: i'm not going to be nice when telling you i win. that's gloating time for me.

Vega: ugh. i know.

the wicked witch of the West: yeah, yeah, don't pretend you don't love it. anyways, vega, the question here is…

Vega: what? to be or not to be?

the wicked witch of the West: i'm going to pretend for your sake you're not completely cracking up right now. and that you didn't just make that reference.

Vega: well, next time, don't trail off like that. and shakespeare is super classy!

the wicked witch of the West: you're right. i won't leave you hanging next time lest you decide to throw some weird remedial English thing in my face.

Vega: …lest?

the wicked witch of the West: did you want to hear the question or not?

Vega: fine.

the wicked witch of the West: the question is, how do we keep this… "jail" thing, a secret from those people you force me to sit with at lunch?

Vega: YOU WERE FRIENDS WITH THEM BEFORE ME.

the wicked witch of the West: friends are for the weak.

Vega: shut up. you love all of us. your heart bursts with love for us. BURSTS. and then showers little tiny rainbows and cupcakes (the ones that they sell on valentines day) on top of our heads and we dance around in your delicious, cup-cakey love for us.

the wicked witch of the West: yeah, i'm going to focus on the fact that right now you're telling me you would eat food that was in my body?

Vega: what? wait, no that's not what i meant!

the wicked witch of the West: so, you're saying you want to…

Vega: JADELYN DO NOT FINISH THAT TYPED OUT SENTENCE

Vega: I'M TELLING YOU YOU WILL LIVE TO BE DISGUSTED BY YOURSELF AFTERWARDS

the wicked witch of the West: i think i'll be okay. so, tori, you want to eat me?

Vega: my eyes! MY EYES

the wicked witch of the West: that was appropriately satisfying.

Vega: oh my GOD jade i want to cry that was possibly the most x-rated thing you've said to me

Vega: or anyone

Vega: ever

Vega: IN THE HISTORY OF ALL THINGS YOU'VE SAID THAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE

the wicked witch of the West: first of all, no, that's not the most x-rated thing i've ever said, just ask beck.

Vega: you're lucky i'm used to your guys's insane sex life and am not creeped out by that statement

the wicked witch of the West: whatever, you dated robbie. all your arguments are invalid.

Vega: whoa, offense! that was rude!

the wicked witch of the West: true, though. so true. and continuing my statement from before: secondly, it's not even that x-rated. i really need to start educating you better.

Vega: no. no you don't.

the wicked witch of the West: wait a minute, i'm actually liking this idea. i mean, granted it would require spending more time with you, but you really do need to learn more about the art of fucking.

Vega: oh, jade, come on! at least say "sex", not that word.

the wicked witch of the West: what even, vega? i've heard and seen you say fuck before.

Vega: only on very special occasions!

the wicked witch of the West: "because sikowitz threw a ball at you" doesn't seem like a very special occasion to me.

Vega: well he's never thrown that ball at you! you don't' know the fear that comes with it!

Vega: i mean, just ask cat!

Vega: okay, don't ask cat.

the wicked witch of the West: yeah, i was gonna say.

Vega: ick, whatever. hey, you know, i keep forgetting why we were having this text-convo, but it's because you got me put into jail! let's talk about that for a second!

the wicked witch of the West: okay.

Vega: wait, really?

the wicked witch of the West: if by "a second" you literally mean a second.

Vega: yep, there it is.

Vega: i do not literally mean a second. i mean, i'm still very angry about it!

the wicked witch of the West: why are you angry? i totally saved you from that creep who looked like sinjin's weird older cousin

Vega: what? i don't remember that

the wicked witch of the West: you don't?

Vega: no! what happened?

the wicked witch of the West: well he came up to you and tried to smell your neck. luckily, at this point you were still half-sober, so you pushed him away, thank god.

Vega: oh, that's all? you really worried had me there, jadelyn, thanks a lot.

the wicked witch of the West: nope, not the end of it. later, he came up to you (i think he was following us) and he said "remember me, i'm that creepy older guy from mclaren's". you replied with "i love mature men!"

the wicked witch of the West: i bet he didn't expect THAT line to work.

Vega: oh my god! jade!

Vega: never let me get drunk again!

the wicked witch of the West: not getting someone drunk? i'm sorry, that's against my non-religion.

Vega: whatever. and ew, i do not have a thing for older guys!

the wicked witch of the West: well, apparently, drunk!tori does.

Vega: that could be a problem in the future. i probably should not go out alone/be drunk for a while.

the wicked witch of the West: i'd say good plan, but andre's birthday is coming up,

Vega: yeah, this friday. don't forget to be an actual present this time, by the way. ugh, and i can't miss it, he's my best friend!

the wicked witch of the West: alright, i'll watch out for any molesters. until i'm too drunk to do it anymore, at which case i'm sure andre will take over.

Vega: aww, jade! that's a really nice offer! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU. growth!

the wicked witch of the West: um, contraire, mi nair. and don't get weird and start congratulating me on improvement. you sound like beck.

Vega: do i really sound that pretentious? i'm sorry.

the wicked witch of the West: whoa, whoa, burn! vega! way to step it up! oh my god, i'm so using that one the next time beck gets super annoying.

Vega: i think i should say "thank you" right now but i'm not totally sure.

the wicked witch of the West: thank you is the right response.

Vega: alright. thank you.

Vega: can i add a smiley face?

the wicked witch of the West: no.

Vega: okay. but i hope you know i'm thinking it.

the wicked witch of the West: i do, and don't worry, it disturbs me just as greatly as it would have if you had actually sent it.

Vega: yay!

Vega: that's all i ask for.

the wicked witch of the West: uh-huh. well, i've got to go, i'm at the RV and you know what that means.

Vega: you and beck are going to have another cutesy full house marathon and you'll feast on the cupcakes he baked for you?

Vega: i'm pointing out the fact that you guys are super adorable and you can't even deny it :)

the wicked witch of the West: vega! smiley face! we JUST talked about this!

Vega: sorry! but, really. you guys are like one of those fairytales...

the wicked witch of the West: oh my god, you're the worst. now i don't even want to hang out with him.

Vega: yeah you do. you're clutching your heart and swooning like some old time princess.

the wicked witch of the West: i'm really, really not.

Vega: sure.

the wicked witch of the West: i will actually come over there and kick your ass.

Vega: you'll never actually do it.

the wicked witch of the West: do you really want to take that chance, though?

Vega: ...no?

the wicked witch of the West: good answer. so, i'm leaving this lame conversation. bye, or whatever.

the wicked witch of the West: by the way, we start "the art of fucking 101" on monday.

Vega: no we don't.

the wicked witch of the West: i'd bring a notebook. i tend to get demonstrative.

Vega: just for that: :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

the wicked witch of the West: vega! bitch!

Vega: freak!

the wicked witch of the West: whore!

Vega: you're fat!

the wicked witch of the West: you're ugly.

Vega: ...so, see you on monday?

the wicked witch of the West: yeah, yeah.

;;


End file.
